Bloody Mary by Tara Kaushal

July 2007: No, I’m not talking about the tomato and vodka drink. I’m not even talking about virgin blood. What am I talking about then? The menstrual cycle.

Chums. Periods. Whatever you want to call them. (I recommend you lift that dropped jaw and close your mouth. Quickly. As they say in Hindi, “Makkhi ghus jayegi.”) Yup, I’m talking about those horribly wet days of the month that half the world’s population endure for about 30 years of a lifetime. That’s a lot—whether or not you do the maths!

So what can I tell you about ‘the curse’ (the Victorian word for it is so damn apt)!? That they’re no fun and that we’d all rather do without them—barring a few women who feel their periods make them feel ‘feminine’ and ‘sensual’ (freaks!) and those who say they make no difference to everyday life (another unusual category). And that, for between two and 10 days before they hit (yes, that’s the word—wham!), a woman feels the claws of PMS dig deep, very deep (PMS=Pre-Menstrual or Passing-Madness Syndrome). Your back and tummy hurt; you’re crabby and depressed; you bloat up; you get pimples. Add that’s just the physiological bit. There’s also the discomfort of a pad or a tampon; the fear of staining; the slight limitation on physical activity because of it. (Example? No swimming.) Yeah, it’s terrible when you actually think about it.

The ironic thing is, no matter how much of our lives we gain control over—through intellect, morality, art or whatever—such a huge part of us is still controlled by our primeval hormones and reproductive function. It can be rather depressing when you look at it like that—so don’t!

My parents were very open about the chum thing. Very. My mom discussed hers with me since the time I was really young. And I had a doggess, so when she got in heat, I was told the why and the what. So I knew why they’d come, I knew when they’d come. When mine started, at age 11, my parents made a big, big deal about it—I was taken out to dinner and the whole world was told. There was much excitement and cake-cutting. Yet, I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach (that joined the cramps to make quite a classic ache!) as I felt my childhood come to an abrupt halt. And I was damn embarrassed, in spite of how much I had been told and reassured about the fact that they were a normal part of life.

The other extreme is parents who don’t tell their girls what to expect at all. A friend of mine, who is a teacher, describes how this little kid was discovered missing after school. During a massive child hunt, she was found sobbing in the loo, where she had been since her lunch break, because she thought she was sick and was scared to bits about the bleeding.

Different cultures deal with the menstrual cycle in different ways. Much like girl children in Africa are taught to look forward to their ‘Initiation Ceremony’, that just happens to involve female circumcision (no, periods aren’t that bad!), some cultures make a big deal about the first period (excitement beats the anxiety)? My maid in Chennai, Devi took a huge loan from me for the celebration when her daughter hit puberty.

Another sad thing about chums is that they only naturally stop for two reasons—you’re either pregnant (a discovery that causes much anxiety to most of the women I know—who are unmarried and sexually active) or menopausal. Menopause, like puberty, comes with many, many problems of its own. Really, it’s pretty much a lose-lose situation, na? Chums embarrass and hurt you when they make an appearance when you’re 11/12/13/14; trouble you for a couple of days before they make an appearance every month; irritate you even further for the 3/4 days that they visit you in the month; and give you hot flushes and a lot of other things when they finally retreat for ever. Whew!

Are you thinking what I am—why did Eve eat that damn apple?

There is one positive about periods though—it makes for great sex. I know this probably grosses you out no end (the thought of sex during periods grosses a lot of women out, so I’m not surprised you’re utterly scandalised)! Well, here’s why it’s so great: the natural activity that’s occurring down there (that has nothing to do with your skills, honey!) makes your woman wetter and therefore more aroused than she usually is. And yeah, it’s messy, but hey, so are most things in life. And are you really going to let a little mess come in the way of sex for so many, many days (in case you did do the maths up there)?

So, I suggest you follow the ‘Chum Etiquette for the Modern Man’—
1) As you now know how horrible periods really are, at every stage, be nice to and understanding of your woman. I recommend this always, but especially during her time of the month.
2) Get over your clean Barbie-doll prejudice. Start having sex during her periods—trust me, it’s great. You can thank me later.


An edited version of this article appeared in Man's World in July 2007.

I Thank You This Day for My Daily Pill… by Tara Kaushal

June 2007: The sexual freedom afforded by The Pill has changed the gender dynamic.

Okay, so I’m a sexual being. So shoot me. I need sex, want sex, have sex and enjoy sex. And I greatly appreciate the ability to control its outcome. We the Women, long considered The Evil behind Man’s Downfall and The Prudes no longer have reasons to be the latter. (Does the inherent irony in those two perceptions strike only me? I mean, we apparently tempted Adam and made him lose his innocence, virginity and place in Eden. And we also bear the reputation of being the impediment to sexual pleasure.)

There are so many reasons why we shouldn’t be skittish about sex and should embrace it. The first thing that comes to my shallow mind is this—It’s So Much Fun! Why would you want to abstain? For what possible reason? Really, Pleasure is Positive. One reads statistics on the positives of sex all the time—how those who’ve had sex within a week before an interview do better than those who haven’t; how sex is a great workout. It releases endorphins and makes one happier. It has the potential to prevent wars and other acts of aggression. (I’m convinced great sex is all the aggressive Americans have needed all along!) Orgasms for World Peace. (Visit globalorgasm.org. Their tag line is ‘Peace through Global Ecstasy’. They celebrated December 22nd, 2006 as Synchronised Global Orgasm day. Why? ‘To effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy.’) Sex is beautiful. It is Nirvana. And why shouldn’t we enjoy it? To my mind, there are no reasons not to have sex that hold any water anymore. The breakdown of patriarchy and rigid forms of religion, women’s education, lib and financial independence have all let women be freer about our sexuality than ever before. But more than anything else, the greatest liberator of our hormonal and emotional impulses has been the Oral Contraceptive Pill (aka ‘the Pill’).

It’s true—for centuries, we’ve had no choice but to be the more cautious sex. Obviously, we were looking out for ourselves—a man’s never had to deal with the considerable social, emotional and physical consequences of unwed motherhood! Remember those funny yet latently cautioning rhymes that have done the rounds for a while now—

One night of pleasure,
Nine months of pain,
Four nights in the hospital,
And a baby to name.

This next one is way more telling and explicit—

Sex is a gamble,
Love is a game.
Boys do the screwing,
Girls take the blame.

With the Pill, it’s a prevention-is-better-than-cure deal—one can just prevent an unwanted pregnancy instead of aborting it or being a single mother—both of which are also way more acceptable now than they’ve ever been. Now, we can anxiety-lessly want and have pre-marital sex and multiple partners (ever notice how the word is ‘stud’ for a man and ‘slut’ for a woman)? Being promiscuous is a dramatic lifestyle choice and is not for everyone. But the least that can happen is that sexual pleasure can become a free-for-all. Sure, women still produce the kids. But now it can be our choice—when, where, why, with whom and most importantly, if we want kids at all. We’ve gained control over our sexual and reproductive identity—our reason for being is no longer just our fertility. The Pill has given us the power of that choice since its introduction in the early 1960s—the Morning After Pill (Emergency Contraception or EC) reinforces it. For somehow, a night of wild passion, a torn condom, a I-hate-the-way-a-condom-feels moment, a quickie on the way to work, a drink-induced mistake—all tend to leave the woman with a greater stress-hangover than the man. Any woman who’s frantically scrambled to remember her date-of-last-period and done the mental maths about ovulation-fertility-cycle while her man wallows in his post-coital bliss, puffing on his cigarette or peacefully asleep, will know exactly what I’m talking about! But hey, now it’s no problem—as long as you remember to take the EC within 72 hours, you’re home free!

Expectedly, there’s been the social-patriarchal-moral-religious backlash against these women-controlled means of hormonal contraception. Sex and reproduction have never been further apart. Women, the more sexually reticent and cautious gender, no longer need to be so. It’s no wonder then that many feminists have called the Pill the ‘equaliser’: women can now enjoy sex and sexual liberation on the same scale as men have always done.

Says my 24 year-old I-don’t-want-my-name-in-your-article friend, whose unprotected encounter with her boyfriend was followed by the EC, “Baach gayi jaan! Had I got pregnant, not only would my career have died, Mama would have got me married immediately.” Such has been the impact of women-controlled contraceptives on traditional gender roles. Women no longer have to choose between a sexual-relationship-equals-motherhood and a career.

The above-mentioned friend is not the only one who’s been saved by the knowledge that EC exists. Another friend, John (who hides his identity behind his common name) met his girlfriend, who lives in a different city, for an impromptu holiday in Darjeeling. After two days of I’m-a-virgin-you’re-a-virgin passion, I got a call from this sheepish but frantic friend asking, “Listen, we’ve done it eight times in two days… without a condom. So what do we do now?”

Of course, we all know that hormonal contraception cannot be used to justify irresponsible sex and does not offer protection against STDs and HIV/AIDS. Only condoms do that. But the Pill is a fantastic option if you intend to have regular sex with a known and committed partner. It’s just a tablet to swallow for 21 days of a 28-day cycle. And the EC is great for the ‘mistakes’.

What am I advocating? Free, guilt-free sex? Yes. I’m saying that, with the way society and medicine are right now, why should you deny yourself the easiest, simplest and most satisfying form of pleasure and entertainment? The time has come to seize the day and enjoy.


An edited version of this article appeared in Man's World in June 2007.

The ManHunt by Tara Kaushal

June 2007: My experience of being single in my twenties.

So I’ve just recently become single again after many years of being committed in some form or another. And my hormones are driving me up the wall. I am on the ManHunt. Capital M, capital H. I’m in the ‘All is fair in love and lust’ Zone. I’m pulling out all the stops. The make-up kit is back out, dusted and ready-to-use. The pub-visiting and party-hopping days, abandoned when I was about 20, are here again. Contact lenses, long forsaken for the ease-of-use of spectacles, are being worn again. My two cute doggesses and one gorgeous dog are being paraded everywhere, as showstoppers and conversations starters. I’ve been walking into the Versova Barista (for reasons apparent only to me!) and walking out after sashaying to the counter and back, a dramatic flick of the head thrown in for good measure. The weight-loss-and-dermatologist beauty plan is in full swing. Relationships put you in a complacent, relaxed zone that I’m now officially out of: I’ve taken to wearing uncomfortable and pinchy frilly lace underwear, hiding my comfortable cottons in my cupboard—relics of a different lifestyle.

I have been ruthless in my quest. My MSN ‘Personal Message’ reads—‘Beautiful. Brilliant. 24. Single. Why?’, in the hope that someone on my list of contacts will bite the bait or sense the pain and set me up. I’ve been badgering my friends to go through their phone books and locate suitable boys. Besides the beauty and brains and all that, they are to inform every guy who shows potential of my USP—I am a cheap date. I don’t drink and barely eat. Now, you would think I’d be flooded with calls and numbers. No. My friends say that I have too many criteria—each presents one or two measly names after much thought and soul-searching. My friend Sahil, on hearing my demands, said they were so elaborate and exacting that I’d never find a guy to fuck, let alone live Happily-Ever-After with. Which is a really unfair thing to say—I’m not being choosey. At all.

I’ve even considered getting myself a profile on Shaadi.com. Now, wouldn’t that be fun: 24-year-old bohemian dilettante who writes for a living seeks a non-matrimonial alliance with a man who must fulfill all the following criteria. The guy must—

a)      Be taller than I am in heels—so over 6 feet
b)      Be clean-shaven
c)      Smell beautiful
d)      Be dark-skinned
e)      Be right-brained: very, very creative
f)       Not live with parents
g)      Not be an engineer, doctor, MBA, CA or any other corporate type
h)      Not be a wannabe model/actor type
i)       Love dogs
j)       Love dancing
k)      Love music
l)       Love reading
m)     Love the sea
n)      Be feminist and unconventional
o)      Be good in bed (this bit I’m willing to find out for myself, thank you)
Religion, caste (what’s that?), income, family and social standing (and all that shit) no bar.

Now tell me, logically, whether these basics are too much to ask for? This can hardly be called 'expecting too much'. Anyway, I’ve been on a few dates over the last few weeks. A few stray men—none of whom would have got even 50% on the criteria test above. What were my friends thinking? What was I thinking? For alliterative purposes, I’ve classified them as the following—

Mr Date: There have been two ‘Mr Dates’. The perfect gentlemen. Came to pick me up on time, with flowers and all. Took me out. To a ‘right’ restaurant. Opened the door. Made polite, non-sexual, non-flirtatious conversation at the table. Discussed the weather, President (dimwit) Bush and all the right things. Thoroughly disapproved of my wrestling for the cheque or suggesting that we go Dutch (this part I didn’t mind so much)! Dropped me home. Walked me to the door. At a decent time. Must have taken a cue from my incessant yawning.

You may have even forgotten that I’ve been talking about two different men with whom I went on two separate dates. I could almost hear them flipping the pages of date-etiquette books in their respective heads. Thank you, good night, bye-bye. All you get is a peck on the cheek.

Mr Hate: The other extreme was this angst-ridden man I went out with once. Just once. And I lived at my shrink’s for a whole week after. Took many steps back in therapy. A creative-type—a wannabe film director. Decent looking. Intelligent. Lovely long hair. Goatee. But the conversation—that was another thing entirely. Talked 19 to the dozen. Which is great. But think whine and vinegar. As acerbic as acerbic gets. I listened to his rant against the world for two whole hours. My eyes were trying to decide whether to be glazed-over or teary.

Thank you, nice to meet you. I value my sanity too much to be with you. And there is good in the world. Go smell some flowers. Get some spirituality or something.

Mr Late: Being late is my prerogative. Fuck feminism and equality. I’ve gleaned my ideas of romance from the romance genre and The Archies! I remember one story in particular. Betty Cooper has been waiting all day for Archie to call. And when he does call, she tells her mother that she won’t pick up immediately so he doesn’t know she’s been waiting. And there’s this other time where Veronica gives Betty advice on how to play hard-to-get. Being late and making the guy wait topped the list. So when the guy arrives late, it disorients me and disrupts my well-laid-out plan of action.

Mr Late was to meet me at 8. At 7.50, I got a message informing me that he was leaving home. Which is in Bandra. I stay in Versova. Even those of you who own a helicopter (which he didn’t) know that 10 minutes doesn’t get you from Bandra to Versova, no matter what. When he finally arrived at 9, I was in bed. Thank you and goodnight. No, sorry, I’ve changed my mind. Yes, I am a real bitch.

Mr Fate: My parents met on a road. On Breach Candy. The dog my dad was walking jumped on my mom and dropped the apples she’d been carrying. And I’ve lived burdened with those bizarrely unrealistic expectations of romance since I was a little girl. So when something romantic and filmy happens between a guy and me, I have violins going off in my head. I imagine Happily-Ever-After. The words, 'This was meant to be and 'Janam-janam ka saath' and all that.

So imagine what must have run through my head when I met a guy I’d had a crush on when I was 12, and had been thinking about recently, at an obscure bookstore in Bandra on a Tuesday afternoon. And imagine what must have run through my head when, over coffee half-an-hour later, he showed me pictures of his wife and newborn daughter. 

Mr Rate: Mr Rate is rich. That’s all I knew about him when I agreed to go on this blind date. Though money is not part of my criteria, it works in the absence of many other things on the list. This rich man lived and breathed money. All he did was discuss money, ask for rates and analyse costs. I saw it, I sensed it. On our date, I was so acutely aware of his value-for-money policy that I couldn’t get myself to waste anything that was served to us—not even the toothpick.

As I recover from the havoc the toothpick has caused going down my digestive track, I’m fairly certain Mr Rate won’t foot or even share my hospital bill.

Mr Mate: So there was the ‘model-type’. A type I’d specifically put an embargo on. I cannot imagine myself with a man whose t-shirts are tighter than mine are, who is more narcissistic than I am. And I’m fairly convinced that male models are as daft as their female counterparts are portrayed as being.

Within 30 seconds of our set-up phone conversation, I’d realised that there was really no point going on the date. All I’d do was get bored. Attempting to understand the Jat-accented English. Attempting to find some brain in all that brawn. So when he showed up, I just cut out the preliminaries. It was fun. Yes baby, yesss, yessss…

So I’ve done Mr Date, Mr Hate, Mr Late, Mr Fate, Mr Rate and Mr Mate. Now all I’m really waiting for is Mr Great. Any leads?


An edited version of this article appeared in Man's World in June 2007. 

I LOLed when I read it again to upload—the friend Sahil who I mention in the article was Mr Great all along. We got together 15-or-so months after this article was published, and have been together since.

Interview: Helen Cross by Tara Kaushal

April 2007: Helen Cross is the author of two booksthe critically acclaimed My Summer of Love, which won the Betty Trask Award in 2002 and The Secrets She Keeps. She’s currently down from Birmingham as a Writer-in-residence at the Mumbai University.

Helen Cross.jpg

You’re a Writer-in-residence at the Mumbai University. How did that come about? How has your experience been?

I’d worked with the British Council in Indonesia. And, as part of their association with the Mumbai University they needed someone who could teach and is a writer. I teach at the Leeds University and so I fit the bill.

It’s been amazing here. I teach a creative writing class that comprises of MA students, BA students and a few people from the British Council’s writing group, The Writer’s Circle. I am astounded at the quality of students here.

At a creative writing course, you should be learning confidence as much as you’re learning technique. That’s what I’m trying to do with the students here—give them the confidence to tell their story. A lot of Indian students are more conscious of ‘Oh, what if my parents read this?’ but that’s something that everyone has to get over. Becoming a writer is about standing up outside of family and expectations and risking not only the disapproval of your families and parents and friends, it’s also bad reviews, the literary establishment not liking what you’ve said, people not understanding what you’ve done, or it not being the right time for it.

So once you have the talent to write and have learned how to write, the next step is to gain the confidence to say what you believe to be true about the world.

My Summer of Love is based where you grew up. How much of it is autobiographical?

Well, it is absolutely set in the area where I was born and brought up which is an area of England called East Yorkshire. It’s where my parents and my family live—I’ve lived there for 18 years and I go back there very regularly. So the geography of the place is very much there and the characters are people that I very much knew and grew up with. It’s about a girl who meets a very wealthy family and becomes involved with them. And I knew a very wealthy family and I had some dealings with them. Some of those things happened to me, but that isn’t my story—or I wouldn’t be here with you, I’d be in a long-term institution somewhere. (laughs)

Likewise, The Secrets She Keeps is a story about a young boy who goes to work for a family as a nanny. When I was 18, I went to Manhattan and I worked as a nanny. But it’s a boy now and he’s in England. So you’re kind of working with material you know about. It’s about wanting to say something as a writer and that’s when you transform it into more than itself.

For me, writing is a mix of memory and imagination. Memory’s where the truth of people’s lives really lies: the things that happened to them, their relationships with their parents, their families, their attitudes and their politics. But one must make it something more, craft it, make it art through one’s imaginative capacity. It’s a delicate blend of memory and imagination that I like in writing. Things that are true but also crafted.

My Summer of Love was made into a film by acclaimed director Pavel Pavlikovski and won the Best British Feature at the Edinburgh Festival. What was that process like for youwere you a part of the filming at all? Was it difficult letting go?

I wasn’t part at all of writing the script because it didn’t have a script. The director, Pavel Pavlikovski is a very interesting man, who’d done a film that I’d really liked. Initially, there was talk of My Summer of Love becoming a two-part television drama. I was a bit alarmed about that because I thought they’d sensationalise the story. Then Pavel showed me a very different take on it, a very artistic take and he worked largely through improvisation. So they had the book and the actors and they created a world in the sort-of way a writer does, by imagining.

As a writer you’re not really visualising things: I couldn’t have told you absolutely how the characters looked, but I could have told you what their interiority was, what their consciousness was. With film it’s all visual, not subtle in the way a book is. A book goes from one person’s head into another persons head—no one’s going to have the same My Summer of Love as a reader because everyone’s creating it in their minds. But when it becomes a film and everyone has the same thing.

It was a bit disorientating, watching someone transform your imaginative material into the real world. But it’s a beautiful, poetic film. The book itself is very poetic—the imagery and the language all evoke a very melancholy mood and the film captures that.

Your debut novel created quite a stir and won the Betty Trask award. How did that shape yours and others' expectations for your next book?

The thing about publishing is that it takes ages—a book takes about a year to come out. So by the time the first book came out and won the award, I’d already finished the second one. I’ve been quite lucky with the award from this society of authors, the rave reviews and the book being translated into quite a lot of languages.

People did expect the second book to be similar to the first. But I feel as writers you’re not really following anything, just honouring your own ideas. So the second book was very different—it was set in Yorkshire but is quite a different story. Luckily, I wasn’t affected by what people wanted me to do.

You’ve finished writing your third novel. What’s it about?

It’s about a young Muslim man, living in England, and an older English woman who’s got a daughter. How they start off distrusting each other and how, despite the wishes of their own communities they fall for each other. It’s told through their individual voices and the voice of the woman’s 11-year-old daughter.

Race is a big issue in England. Birmingham, where I live is a very multicultural area—lots of Indian, Pakistani and Somali people. But it’s an uneasy culture: people don’t know how to integrate. Should they be integrating into British culture or embracing their own cultures. There’s a lot of racism in English society but there’s also a lot of ignorance which breeds racism, which is often not what is intended.

Birmingham’s one of the first ‘Minority Majority’ cities in the world where the majority of the people are from the minorities and the indigenous white population is the smallest. It’s fascinating and very different from where I was brought up in Yorkshire which is a totally white, working class old-style culture.

When did you start writing? And what actually made you give up your day job and say, 'Okay, I’m going to write now'?

I’d thought I could do it since I was very young. I was good at writing and at drama. So when I left university, I joined the Royal Shakespeare Company in Stratford upon Avon and I worked with them for four-five years. While I had a job, I was doing quite a bit of writing—short stories. But I also knew that in order to concentrate fully, in order to give your mind over to a story, you have to make the decision to devote yourself to it. And I also thought that if I don’t just go for it, it would always be ‘Oh, something that I could have done if only I had the courage to do it.’ So when I was 28, I gave up my job.

I went to the University to do an MA in Creative Writing and I spent a year writing short stories and attending classes and then when I finished that course, I wrote My Summer of Love.

How do you write?

It is hard. It takes a long time.

My Summer of Love took about 18 months to write, and I was writing pretty consistently. And my second novel took another 18 months to write. The key to writing novels is to finish them—so many people start novels but don’t get to the end. It’s only when you get to then end of a novel that you realise what you’re actually writing about. Only then can you go back and make a new draft and edit it and make sense of it. But people get stuck in the middle and they kind of wait around for some inspiration, which isn’t going to come. You get to the end and you realise what you’re trying to say and then you go back and redraft. A lot of writing novels is redrafting, adding this, taking this away: it’s like sculpture. The way the sculptor finds the form in the middle of a block of marble, that’s what you’re trying to do. You’re waiting for the story to come through in a more coherent way.

I write the first draft by hand because there’s this link between the brain and the fingers. That’s why handwritings are so unique. And I don’t throw anything away—there might be that little bit if gold dust hidden in there. In the end, you do have to put it all on a computer just to shake it up a bit, but I do most of my work by handwriting.

Your favourite books and authors…

I like this American writer called Lorrie Moore who is a storywriter. I like a lot of short story writers and poets. There’s this English writer called Laura Heard. I like people who write with a more politicised edge. I like Dorris Lessing—she’s a maverick in English writing. I like George Orwell, always liked what he had to say about England.

I like writers who have something to say about the world that it is, not just about generalised ideas about world matters or violence. I like books that are tied to a location, a people and a place. Books that look at not just what characters are like on their own, but what they’re like in relation to other people and what they’re like in relation to society. How society sort of forms them and shapes them. My books always try to have a bit of a social edge, how these characters are formed by the world that they’re living in; the attitudes to class, the attitudes to women, all those things have an influence on the character.

So you’re a feminist writer…

I probably am. People don’t really ask you that in England because they presume that everybody is because it’s kind-of beyond that point. It’s interesting; here everybody is interested in that because feminism here is a much more dynamic and active force, isn’t it?

Maybe because feminism has done what it had to do in the West…?

Yes it has, I think. In England you now have what is called post-feminism. People are worried about what feminism has done. There’s a lot of anxiety about a lot of highly educated independent women, who can’t get husbands and don’t have any children because they’re so tied in with these huge careers. Whereas here feminism is a very important and much needed force. I can’t ever imagine thinking that a woman can’t do absolutely everything, intellectually and socially, that a man could do. I can’t imagine anyone believing that a woman is in any way inferior.

The struggles that women writers in India and women generally have to overcome here are very different to what we are used to now in England. We’re in a very different stage. You kind of tend to forget the frustrations of women who are tied to pre-feminist ideas of what women should be; educated women who just have to get married and look after kids. That’s an absolute hell for an educated intelligent woman.

But England and America, and most westernised countries have become sort-of dangerously individualistic, which is the flip side of the situation, and that leads to a kind of loneliness in people, isolation. It’s not the model that Indian feminism or anyone would want. The bonds of freedom can break down so far that people are isolated.

An incredible thing about Indian society, to me, seems to be the warmth of people and the communal sense. People have a sense of responsibility towards one another. We don’t see so much of that in England.

Here people have been so welcoming of us, my children as well. While I hope that these people will get such a warm welcome in England, I doubt it because we’re not used to welcoming people the same way, into our homes. Kendra, my five-year-old, has her own group of friends who call for her and take her out every evening: those things don’t happen so much in England anymore. People are frightened of their children being outside on the street and frightened because the world isn’t really a community anymore, just lots of little individuals. That’s something I write quite a lot about as well, where all this individualism is going, fragmenting society.

So tell me, have you got the Bombay Diarrhoea yet?

No! (laughs)

Well I kept thinking that we’re bound to get something, the children at least, but we’re all surprisingly healthy. We eat a lot of Indian food at home in Birmingham so we’re all kind of used to spicy food.


An edited version of this interview appeared in DNA in April 2007.

 

 

Stream of Unconsciousness by Tara Kaushal

April 2007: Capturing the chaos and craziness of this moment in time with some fun stream-of-consciousness writing.

Friday.

Tired tired tired tired. Yawning in Yari road. Must leave for work. Will sleep in auto. Auto man will be tempted by mountainous tits. Will be driven to brothel and sold into sex trade. Will live for rest-of-life horrifying about unwashed chaddis left behind due to much postponement and lack-of-time, while having to practice chore-bazaar wala erotica-wale positions.

Ohh… I want Nirula’s Hot Chocolate Fudge now. Now. Well, technically cannot have saliva-inducing kill-with-calories Hot Chocolate Fudge now as am sitting on the pot. But will be in more socially acceptable and receptive position by the time it arrives from Delhi.

Must not fall asleep on pot. Must not fall asleep on pot. Will cause much embarrassment. Office day ahead. Sleep. College project on social impact of porn. Boyfriend. Ummm… boyfriend and pornography. Umm… sex. You know you can sleep when you’re underneath during missionary na? Oh temptation.

Man’s World article submission. College porn project. Regular pays-the-bills part-time job. Many deadlines loom. Much gloom blooms. Sleepless. Many days of much work.

Workday begun. Good morning sun. Eyes unprotected in spite of dark circles like sunglasses. Have glued contacts into protesting eyes. Watchman looked at me as though I’m Frankenstein’s monster. Have realised that my unconditional-love-giving strays are also afraid. Am in auto. Am being stared at as few red and bleary-eyed women work on laptops while in poor-man’s transport. Fear of autowala-selling-big-tits-along-with-me returns. I must stay awake. I must stay awake. Awake. Cake. Bake. Brake. Power Brakes says backside of truck ahead. Need to brake. Need a break. More than I can take. Multiple money-related activities. Literature MA Missing in Action from my Master of Arts. 

Workday is over. Deadline doom. Friday fun? No, none. MA assignment till 2 tonight. At least. With snatches of article writing. Both due Monday. Friday = Fry Day.

Saturday.

What? What? Oh-my-God! Saturday morning! Oh no! Saturday noon! Was meant to be a brief nap at 7 PM. Many alarms were set. Many friends were put on ‘wake-me-up’ duty. Horrible let-downing friends. Betrayals and true colours and all. Oh. Alarm rang. And rang. Many million missed calls. Multiple messages. Oh. Puddle of exhaustion-induced drool on my pillow. Must write MA project. 2500 words at least. Cannot fool brilliant lecturers by spinning a web of confusing words. Ooh. What can I do? ‘Pornography and Sex Studies and Their Impact on Women and the Concept of Female Identity’. Interesting topic. So interesting that my professors will actually read it. Shit.

Must avoid philosophical conversations (arguments/fights) with Catholic mother about the redundancy of religion, and the reasons for my interest in erotica and porn. Must not show her what I’ve written on this article so far (the words ‘mountainous tits’ didn’t go down too well) along with what I’ve written on my porn project so far. Must then learn to activate Super Woman-type protective shield to avoid those killer looks. Must certainly avoid these conversations-that-invariably-turn-into-fights when am sleep deprived, cranky and menopausal. No. Certainly meant PMSing, not menopausal, though don’t know whether there’s a difference. Okay. Back to work.

Am being badgered by mad friends to go out. MAD = Me Alcohol Dependent. Am aware that my popularity stems from being a teetotaller therefore a sober driver. Nonetheless, cannot go. Must stay and work. And I will sleep at the wheel anyway, so, sober or not, I can’t be driver tonight.

Am just wondering… when I die of exhaustion, will someone please put a disclaimer on my body saying, ‘Tara* didn’t really have dark circles that reached her chin.’ Please, please. Anyway, I’m going to bed now.

Sunday.

Surveying progress. Shit. Am done with only 1400 words. Have to spin more yarns to reach submittable 2500 word limit. Love my Mans’ World editor but hate that when he says ‘deadline’, he means he’ll kill me if I don’t deliver. Wonder whether this bit will be edited out. Back to porn project.

Surveying room. More junk food wrappers than you see outside McDonalds. Chips and chocolate and Coke and stuff. Oh weight problems. Also breath that smells like a dead cow. These things are not good for me. Coke-shoke and all. Will just make me fat and dissolve my teeth. Toothless tomorrow. Toothless before my 25th birthday. With dark circles. And overweight. Horribly, diabolically intelligent, but that’s before evil enzymes released from junk food will jelly-fy brain. Oh might as well not study for Masters and stuff as will not have brain to do anything with education. So can technically abandon this college project right now. Oh evil thought. Back to work.

Why? Why? Why is my life like this? Why must I have regular part-time job and freelance jobs and padhai to do? Why can’t all the unders and overs in my life be exchanged. Then I’ll be under-worked and over-paid and under-weight. Must rue over this great philosophical revelation with my eyes closed. Ummm….

I’m going to be repetitive here and say oh my God! Overslept yet again! Oh my God. Ever notice how nap is a short word, sleep is a longer word and oversleep is the longest out of the three. Okay, so I hit the longest one. Now what? Now what? Must focus on the fact that people say I work well under stress. Shanti, shanti, calm down. Okay Tara*, you have about 12 hours left to leave for work—which means 12 hours to sleep, write this article and finish porn project, which I have to print out at work, as it is due straight after. Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Dead faint.

Monday.

Okay, it’s four am. 2400+ words done. Include name-shame and all of that and that 2500. Oh thank God. And other thing to do—finish this article. That’s done too. Now for the final thing on my check-off list—sleep. Goodnight.


An edited version of this article appeared in Man's World in April 2007.

Sick Minds, Freud & the Interperversion of Dreams by Tara Kaushal

April 2007: I self-analyse my dreams and invite you to do the same with yours.

I’ve never read Freud. But my Literature classes contain a reference to him at least once a week. And terms like the ‘Oedipus complex’ and The Interpretation of Dreams are traded fairly freely in regular life. (This is especially true of when us girls get together. It’s a great way to justify why that worthless sucker our friend was dating had the balls to dump her. I mean, the boy has some serious issues. So once we’re done with all the tears and snot wiping and reach the stage of semi-drunk boy-bashing, the Oedipus complex is a trump card! “Oh babe, he’s just not worth it. Such a mama’s boy!”) So as I was saying, one can’t help having some of Freud’s notions and theories floating around in one’s head in a rudimentary, if half-baked form.

A part of me is fairly sceptical about this interpretation of dreams thing though—not that I know much about it. I mean, why can’t dreams be just dreams—a movie in your head, entertainment, Spielberg-in-the-making, a Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi-style recap, your brain's way of beating boredom? Why must they be a thesis on your thoughts? Why?

Needless to say, the last para was my way of forming my defence. Pre-fabricating it. Because, just the other day, to kill pre-exam studying induced boredom, I analysed my own dreams using my rather sketchy knowledge of Freud’s principles and symbols. And here’s what I discovered.

I am a complete pervert. Complete. I should be locked up and have the key thrown away. I should be in a mental asylum seeking shock therapy for sexual depravity. I should be kept miles away from other life-forms including cockroaches and lizards—you never know what I’ll get up to. I should at least be under house arrest after dark. I should not be allowed into public toilets and other people's homes. I should have to wear a t-shirt saying 'I am a sex offender'. My two stray doggesses and family and many friends (who have obviously been traumatised by depraved ways) will have to seek therapy.

I’m presenting the tame examples of my analyses. Ones that don’t desecrate the memory of my father who recently past way (given that Freud’s most popular theory is the Oedipus complex). And ones that won’t get me stoned on the street.

Dream #1

I am boarding a local train in Delhi. (As if I’ve not been traumatised enough by my because-of-poverty DTC bus days!) I’m first in line and enter the empty compartment followed by throes of humanity. And there, on the seat, is a little panther cub. (I have no clue how I arrive at this conclusion because the cub is brown, and looks like a combination of Simba from the Lion King and a Bull Mastiff puppy!) Anyway, to save this cub, I have to take him to Chandigarh. (Of all places?) The cub and I hold hands and skate-fly all the way to Chandigarh. (The cub, by the way, is also flying on skates, standing on his two hind legs, and has suddenly morphed into a larger-than-life Scooby-Doo-type cartoon dog.) I reach Chandigarh and meet the Sardar who owns the famous animal shelter. (This has obviously come from Lucky Singh’s character in Lage Raho Munnabhai that I’ve just watched.) I feed the cub (who is now back to original size) some water from a tap, leave him at this animal shelter and leave for Delhi in a car.

Here’s what (I think) Freud and other psychoanalysts may have thought of my dream. I enter a local penis (train = long slithery snake-like thing), where I perform a rescue operation (= cure erectile dysfunction). Flying through the air means one of three things to Freud—that I a) have an erection (a biological impossibility), b) have penis envy or c) have an erect clitoris as I’m aroused. As a symbol, water gushing from a tap could mean nothing but male ejaculation. And after this, having accomplished my mission (= cured an erectile dysfunction in some sort of sexual surrogate role!), I leave the scene happily.

Analysing ones’ dreams is such a simple and fun way to pass time, isn’t it? Let me teach you how to with a practical exercise. Let’s try and analyse my next dream together…

Dream #2

I am (finally) a multimillionaire. (Dreams!) I enter the huge penthouse that I have just bought. I open the first of many zillion rooms. (Okay, let me change that to multibillionaire!) As I walk in, I see a box that I open. Inside the box is my old maid, Mary. (Old, as in, maid who took care of me when I was very young. She wouldn’t be older than 40 now.) An autopsy is being conducted on Mary, even though she’s alive and smiling at me. (Dr Frankenstein, anyone?) My scream echoes down a tunnel. I leave the room and enter another, where I see a bed and a writing table, on which I find a big, thick pen, which is a permanent marker. (Studies and sleep, the two constants that have an inverse relationship in my life.) I pick up the marker and go to the other room where I write on the box ‘This pen works’. (“Oh does it now?” says Dr Freud…) As I walk away, I realise I’m leaning on a cane, though I’m perfectly okay. I fall into a hexagonal tunnel. (My sense of aesthetics remains intact.) I land on a soft, gold hammock, where I’m sit cross-legged, with a bottle of Diet Pepsi in the triangle of my legs. I am fiddling with the cap and then the bottle erupts.

No, this dream isn’t about ambition or wealth, as I’d you’d assume at first. Can’t you see? Oh come on, it’s so obvious! Interpret my dream and here I’m a bisexual with much penis envy. It’s like this—I finally manage to enter a world with many vaginas to chose from (many rooms = crevices, silly! Start thinking perverted). Inside a vagina inside a vagina (box inside a room) is my old maid (woman, not Mary specifically. This is what is called ‘symbolisation’—when repressed urges or suppressed desires are acted out metaphorically. See, my analyses have got better, more in-depth and all). Besides, the fact that she’s having and autopsy is a positive thing—it could mean that new and interesting experiences are ahead for me, especially in a sexual context. (You didn’t know that, did you? The net serves up many such interesting bits of absolutely useless information.) And then I scream (in pleasure, perhaps?) down a vagina (tunnel! Oh come on, this was easy)! I walk into another vagina, in which I have sex, or want sex, with a man (marker = cylindrical = phallic symbol = man) on the bed. And yes, I assert my bisexuality (over boring-old simple lesbianism) by telling the vagina (box) that the penis works. (Oh really now!) But then I abandon a useless man (cane = phallic = man = patriarchy) for the comfortable cushion of a vagina (that inviting and soft golden hammock) where I fantasise about having a penis and ejaculation.

Fun, isn’t this?

Disclaimer: Play this game at your own risk. The management is not responsible for any of the following scenarios—

1)      You actually think your analyses are right

2)      You loathe yourself to bits

3)      You scare yourself to death

4)      You stop sleeping for fear of dreams

5)      You become religious to prevent impure thoughts


An edited version of this article appeared in Man's World in April 2007.

Daddy’s Darling by Tara Kaushal

March 2007: In October last year, the man I was most attached to died holding my hand. He was surrounded by all those he most lovedhis wife, father, uncle and aunt, closest friend, and only child, me.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2004. It chose to strike at the worst time ever—our family was in the process of immigrating to Australia. Mum and I were already there, dad was wrapping up and was scheduled to leave in nine days when his ‘bone cyst’ showed up in an X-ray. Mum and I flew back. The cancer was discovered on the operating table.

The two years that my dad fought his cancer were the two years the family battled to stay sane. Emotionally, each of us fluctuated between hope and reality; despair and faith. Every positive result put us over the moon and validated every belief in the goodness and justness of the world: every negative development drowned us in despair through which hope and belief in miracles, realistic or not, were the only saviours. In some ways, being on that emotional rollercoaster was worse than having to deal with his death now that he’s gone and that’s final. It changed us all.

I drove head-first into a full-blown depression that I’m just about coming out of. Mum, who I’d describe as a questioning Catholic, decided to ‘mannat maango’. She bartered with God—turned vegetarian if only he’d spare the love of her life. He didn’t. I think she might as well revert to non-vegetarianism. Our family, which is educated and decidedly non-superstitious, took to consulting saadhus and astrologers, going to Haridwar, and doing foolish things like throwing quantities of wheat and jaggery into the Ganga. The depths of desperation.

Dad was the strongest through this. There were moments of bitterness—“I’ll die out of a suitcase.”; there were moments of grief—“I’m ruining everyone’s life”. But those were rare. The way he lived his life and nurtured his relationships ensured that my grandparents’ house in Dehradun was always filled with friends from the world over. His optimism through the pain was inspiring. In fact, after he died, I discovered a letter I’d written to him when the cancer had just been diagnosed: the envelope said, ‘Open only when you’re really depressed’. It was unopened.

There are many ‘what ifs’ which lead to much guilt and regret. They don’t really include the fact that my career and educational aspirations and marriage dissolved around dad’s illness and my need to be with him.

One ‘what if’ grips me with guilt. You see, my telling on someone when I was really young caused a rift in my father’s family. It resulted in an on-again-off-again relationship with a really close relative who is a very competent doctor. It’s been speculated that my dad’s cancer was caused by radioactive iodine that he took to kill his thyroid that was hyperactive. When my dad got his thyroid ‘blasted’, we were on an ‘off’ stage with this doctor who told me, when dad died, that, had he known about it, he wouldn’t have let my dad take the nuclear medication because of the high cancer risk. If I had just shut up all those years ago there wouldn’t have been the ‘off’ stage: the doctor would have dissuaded my dad from taking the iodine: the cancer wouldn’t have struck: he’d still be alive…

The other major ‘what if’ leads to a feeling of pure regret. Chemotherapy was purported to be working for dad. The test results were all positive after his first round of chemo. Then his tongue got paralysed and there was a second round. He was confident he’d beat the cancer. While on his second round, he consulted this very well known homeopath from London, who has cured people we know of cancer. This doctor arrived at our doorstep in Mumbai one day, at the same time mum was at dad’s hospital being told that dad wouldn’t last long. I saw this as a message too strong to be a mere coincidence. This was December but dad didn’t start his homeopathy until early May—he said the dietary restrictions would stop him from eating the little that chemo had left him with an appetite for. I kept urging him, forcing him to start the homeopathy. When he did start it, it was too late. The homeopathy had great results but the cancer was too far gone. My dad believed he would conquer cancer and didn’t see the urgency to start the medication that could have saved his life. A lesson learnt—it’s great to believe in your abilities and to be positive and keep the faith. But it’s a fine line between that and overconfidence, which will lead you to foolish decisions.

And there’s the ‘what if’ he didn’t smoke, drink, eat red meat…

His death was poetic and glorious in many ways. He waited until all of us were by his hospital bedside and then took off his oxygen mask, waved his hand and said, “Bye.” Mum was holding his right hand, I was holding the other. I started crying and had a sinking feeling in my stomach, though mum was very calm. He told us not to hold him back and said, “Forget it” repeatedly. Mum and I told him we’d forget it, forget all the pain. Mum said, “Fly away baby, fly away.”

And he said, “Flying away, flying away, flying away, flying away…Flown away.”

And he was gone.

In his last moments, I remember his reaching out instinctively and desperately for mum, holding her hand, kissing it. Arguing with the doctor as he put the oxygen mask back on. An uncouth relative whispering loudly in the background, disturbing the sanctity of the last few moments. Those moments are so special, and are so hard to write about.

I’ve been a crazy daughter—went through my wild ‘bad daughter’ days (years!) before I became sane and turned out okay, if a bohemian dilettante who writes for a living. I feel I ran out of time with my dad—that he’d barely started seeing the fruits of his patience and toil. I’m 23 now: the recognition is arriving slowly, the money is just about starting to be significant. But he isn’t here to see it: to feel the pride. My mum is, but I’m convinced she needs me and validation of her sacrifices way less than he ever did. I’ve had these grandiose dreams of settling my middle-class ex-Naval officer dad and mum in luxury. No time left for that.

I am left with many childhood memories. At the moment they’re all overshadowed by the more immediate pain of dad’s cancer and death. I have nightmares—most involve being told that he’s not really dead. And if it wasn’t for a very strong support structure—my parents’ and my friends—mum and I wouldn’t be ‘okay’.

I’ve always scoffed at people who’ve turned to religion and God in times of adversity—I could never understand it. I’m agnostic and see religion as nothing but rituals and a way of life, and God as nothing but a crux for the weak. I’ve always believed I’m too intellectual for blind belief—that everything has a scientific and logical explanation. But this experience has changed me. Not only do I understand the need for religion and God, I must admit I was tempted. In a way, I feel that I want to believe: that I wish I could believe.

I want to believe in karma: that the pain he’s suffered in this life will ensure that he has a pleasant journey ahead.

I want to believe in reincarnation: that I will see him again.

I want to believe in Heaven: that he is happy now, having lived a good and moral but unfulfilling life here on earth.

I want to believe in ghosts and spirits: that he’s still around, here, somewhere.

Oh, I want to believe so many things.  

But mostly, I want to not believe it’s over.


An edited version of this article appeared in Tehelka in March 2007. Read the obituary I wrote for my mother-in-law here.

Eve Empowered by Tara Kaushal

February 2007: A battle cry for feminists.

I am not good looking—at least no more than averagely so. I am 5 feet 9 inches tall; have a short crop of hair that’s growing out of being bald; am fairer than I’d like to be; have a pretty but acne-scarred face; and am busty but overweight. Oh, I pray for better looks—for a skin that is chocolate brown like my mother’s, and blemish free; to be many, many kgs lighter than I am; for a toned belly; etc. I pray for better looks almost always—there are two exceptions. One, when I remind myself of Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth (then I feel silly and gullible to media imaging of women—I really have nothing wrong with me!) and two, when I am in too-crowded or too-lonely a place (then I’d rather look absolutely terrible).

Everyone I know—women of all ages and shapes and sizes and stages—have been 'eve teased' or more all over the country. Delhi is particularly bad, Mumbai is okay, but no place is really safe. Getting harassed, flashed, felt-up or molested is a rather common phenomenon. And perhaps my looking terrible won’t solve the problem—the only criterion seems to be being a woman.

The sexual incidents are vivid memories. I was in Mumbai, about 10 years old. I got flashed in a bus by an old man seated next to me. My mum was in the seat ahead. Again, I was about 12, boarding a bus, still uncomfortable about my budding breasts, when a man squeezed them, hard and painfully—the first time I realised what a problem they’d be! Since then, it’s been series of incidents in crowded places, lonely places, all places!

I had the misfortune of going to school and college in Delhi. Everyday, I’d come back from school traumatised because something or the other would have happened to me on the way back. Everyday, I, arguably not feeble looking, not even overtly good looking, would come back from college angry because I would invariably get felt up in the bus.

But there was an incident that changed my perspective on things. You see, realistically, being flashed, for example, is not bad in itself. Really, you’ve seen one cock, you’ve seen them all—no offence meant! It’s the fear, and the intrusion: the lack of choice. Anyway, here’s what happened. My 12th boards were around the corner, and classes were out. I had gone to school to get some doubts clarified. Walking back, I peered into my classmate’s driveway, in the hope of seeing her and saying hi. I saw her father get into his car—I recognised him from photos she had brought to school. I walked on—only to find, much to my shock and disgust, that her father was driving by and harassing me.

A few weeks later, there was a post-boards party at this classmate’s house. The fear on her father’s face, when he recognised me (with some urging on my part) as the person he had harassed, changed my life. He, the perpetrator, was afraid, not I. This was when I decided that I would fight back whenever I could. I’ve done some pretty pro-actively aggressive things. I guess it helps that I’m not small built, and can get aggressive. I wear these solid silver rings—one, an elevated Nandi bull, is a deadly weapon. I have used this to hit someone who was sticking his erection into my thigh on a Mumbai train.

I have used the knife that I used to carry to college—no, not to kill anyone! A man who saw me walking a lonely stretch promptly got off his scooter and went behind a fence to flash at me. He watched as I opened my knife with relish and ripped the seats of his scooter apart.

At a rock show, it gave me great pleasure to hit the guy who squeezed my boob in the crowd and scream, "I’ll cut your balls off, you bastard," before any of my male friends could react!

And this is it. All the incidents, every one of them, where I did not retaliate, have left me with a sense of violation, these many, many years later. I am still haunted by them. I seethe with anger at the man who got away with flashing at me, feeling me, using his sexual power against me. I have felt victimised. But each and every time I’ve fought back, and hurt or humiliated the aggressor, I’ve felt whole and complete. Perhaps, on a small scale, it is my sense of justice, my closure.

And it’s not only me. My aunt was in a girls’ hostel during her college years. Men would come and masturbate against the boundary wall, despite repeated complaints to the police, leaving the girls feeling sick and powerless. Until they filled buckets with urine (patiently, over three days each) and flung the contents at the men on the wall. The incidents stopped. This was a practical solution—making those men realise that they couldn’t really get away with everything in a lawless land. It was also a solution that empowered the women against the few powers that men can still wield against us—the sexual and the physical.

For those of you who watch Frasier Crane, remember the episode where he uses force (against a rude guy in a coffee shop), leading to his listeners using his example as a license to get unnecessarily and disproportionately violent? I sincerely hope that is not what happens here, even though this article reads like it belongs to the feminist version of the legendary Al Qaeda Handbook. My perspective is this (for men as well as women)—seek justice for wrongs done to you. Get closure—legally, or in the most practically harmless way possible.

For, as much as I appreciate Gandhiji, and am glad for this new surge of Gandhi-giri that has come about, sometimes, I believe Gandhi-ism is not the answer. If I turned the other cheek, they’d both be pinched.


An edited version of this article appeared in Tehelka in February 2007.