Peer Pressure & the Parent

October 2011: Bansi Mehta and I list what you can do to help your kids.

Do the very words ‘peer pressure’ send chills down your spine? Do you miss the wonderful days when all you had to do was feed and put the babies to bed? Now they are grown-ups, taking tentative steps and forming relationships in a world you can’t completely control. With friends comes peer pressure—so what can you do?

You know we believe that teaching your kids how to make the right choices—and to face their consequences—is a better parenting technique than making decisions for them. So, instead of banning certain friends and laying down the law, teach your kids how not to succumb to herd mentality and peer pressure. Here are some pointers.

Wipe that Frown Off Your Face!

Of course, no one is as good as your baby. When kids start to develop their own relationships, try not to be extra-possessive or too judgmental about the friends they make. Unless there’s a real threat of bad influence, accept your kids’ friends, flaw et al.

You know that childhood friendships can see your kids through their lifetimes, so develop a relationship of trust with your kids and their friends early on.

Talk, Talk, Talk

Keep the communication going. Firstly, whether or not you’re told directly, when you talk you’ll easily catch clues about what’s going on in your children’s lives. Serious thoughts—about how a series of actions becomes a personality; about a sense of discretion, and the need for critical thinking and questioning in making choices—need not come in the form of a dreaded ‘lecture’; you could just slip them in to casual conversation.

Being clued in also allows you to give preemptive advice on situations your kids may encounter soon—are her friends drinking already? Time to slip in a gentle word about drinking responsibly at the right age.

The More Secure Your Kids Are…

The less likely they are to blindly follow the (social) leader. Insecure kids may prioritise the need to ‘fit in’ over following their own hearts. Making a child secure is an ongoing parenting priority, with no shortcuts or guarantees. We’d love to hear how you provide your children emotional stability.

The ‘Jumping Into the Well’ Story

‘So, if all your friends jump in to a well, will you follow?’ This little question is a golden oldie. If your children are feeling compelled to do something they don’t want to do, this question is the key. While you might get the wise-aleck ‘to save them’ answer, you’ll certainly get your point across—that they ought to choose what’s best for them.   

“All Sachin’s* friends wanted to go for hip-hop classes,” says Shweta* from Mumbai. “He preferred singing but didn’t seem to have a choice in the majority vote.” Shweta didn’t tell 13-year-old Sachin what to do. She helped him reason out why he should choose singing. “Once he understood that he needn’t blindly follow the herd, he followed his heart.”

Tried this line yourself? How and why—and did it work?

You Just Don’t Approve

Sachin felt compelled to do something he didn’t want to do. But what if your kids are considering doing something you don’t want them to do? By the time your kids encounter peer pressure, you’ve (hopefully!) already instilled your family’s values in to them. However, it can certainly make them waiver.

Try reasoning out their choice. Rajiv* sat down to explain to 15-year-old Ansh* why he couldn’t drive until it was legal, even if his friends were. “I heard him out,” says Rajiv, “but he just wasn’t ready to see the mature point of view.” If you still can’t convince your kids so see your reasoning, well, just remember the bottom line…

You’re still the parent! The home is not a democracy, so put your foot down.

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This article appeared on Yowoto—a now-defunct parenting website startup that I helped incubate as Editor-in-chief—in October 2011.

While I’m now a firm childless antinatalist, my politics weren’t fully formed when I took this short-lived assignment to explore the digital side of publishing (though it was never a good fit). Nonetheless, some of the articles I wrote at the time are interesting.

The Anti-cracker Debate

October 2011: A quick-smart way to explain their negatives to our kids.

I met my friend Sandy*, mother of eight-year-old twins Antara* and Anhad*, for a walk on Carter Road a few days ago. When I asked this staunch do-gooder why she seemed so preoccupied, she revealed that the twins had been insisting on buying Diwali crackers. “When they were little, we’d get by with a few phooljhadis each. But now, when I think they’re old enough to stop, they’re really keen on bursting more! I just don’t know how to say no. I don’t want to deny them joy and make them seem uncool because of my beliefs, you know?”

Over our hour-long walk, we came up with an argument that (we hoped) would work with the little twins—and it has! So, how did she—and how can you—tell your kids, simply, why the fun of crackers is just not worth it?

How It Went Down

While she could simply say ‘no’, Sandy is a democratic parent. She sat the kids down and started off explaining how everything they chose in life has to be weighed for positives and negatives. Once the kids understood this point, it was a cakewalk…

“In one simple line I asked them: ‘Does it make sense that for 30 seconds of beauty, you’re A) causing noise and air pollution that affects dogs, cats, asthmatics and the environment; B) supporting child labour; C) supporting unsafe and unfair work environments for the children and adults working in these factories; D) wasting money; and E) playing with unsafe things.’”

After curious questions (“How child labour?”, “Why unsafe?”, “What happens to dogs and cats during Diwali?”), Antara and Anhad went to sleep preoccupied.

The next morning, the twins declared they no longer wanted to burst crackers for Diwali. “Convincing them was easier than I thought,” says Sandy. “We really underestimate their intelligence sometimes, don’t we?”

How have you stopped your kids from bursting crackers this Diwali? We’d love to know your story…

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This article appeared on Yowoto—a now-defunct parenting website startup that I helped incubate as Editor-in-chief—in October 2011. Read another article I wrote about firecrackers here.

While I’m now a firm childless antinatalist, my politics weren’t fully formed when I took this short-lived assignment to explore the digital side of publishing (though it was never a good fit). Nonetheless, some of the articles I wrote at the time are interesting.

Kids & the Joy of Festivals

October 2011: How do we get our kids to look beyond the commercialisation of festivals?

Growing up in a Hindu-Catholic household, we celebrated a lot of festivals. We’d light our house up for Diwali, sing carols at Christmas, and generally, have a lot of celebrations. And while the presents and new clothes were part of the excitement, they were certainly not the only part…

But in the days of obscene 15,000-rupee crackers and enticing hoardings demanding our festival funds, there seems to be no question about not spending—the question is only how to spend. Are you worried that consumerism is all our kids associate with these celebrations?

How do responsible parents ensure that kids really know the real joy of festivals? We’ve come up with some ideas—and would love to hear yours.

Tell the Story

“Things have certainly changed,” says a teacher I spoke to, “The other day, my kids in the fifth standard submitted their Diwali essays. I was horrified that few focused on the festival; in most, ‘I want’ was a recurrent theme!”

Reclaim festivals from the clutches of marketers by focusing on their history and religious significance.

Reinterpret

While kids must know the significance of festivals, young kids aren’t able to look beyond their fun aspect, which is why parents seek creative ways—like the Muslim superhero comic-book series—to make religion more palatable to little ones.

To modernise and contextualise festivals, you could take inspiration from what Isky, a Muslim married to a Hindu, did. So frustrated was he with the over-doing of Christmas in his kids’ school, that he created ‘Imran Claus’, a loving figure who the kids awaited on Eid. “It was easy to make them understand and enjoy our festival through a familiar figure they love. Parenting is about creative thinking after all!”

Focus on Family

We really like festivals at Anne and Jagjit’s home—the Makhijani household celebrates present-free. “It allows the kids to focus on the important part of these celebrations—the communal cooking and yummy food; the gaggle of cousins and other family that descend on our house; the laughter,” says Anne. “Presents don’t become the only thing the kids value about these special times.”

Give, Not Get

Use festivals to explain the joy of giving to our kids. “Of course one must buy during festivals,” my mum told me when I was little, “but only to give away.” Make an annual ritual of visiting an orphanage, giving away old clothes to the needy, or anything else to promote the joy of giving.

Anyway, Diwali’s here. All of us at Yowoto wish you and your family a happy, fun-filled New Year!

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This article appeared on Yowoto—a now-defunct parenting website startup that I helped incubate as Editor-in-chief—in October 2011.

While I’m now a firm childless antinatalist, my politics weren’t fully formed when I took this short-lived assignment to explore the digital side of publishing (though it was never a good fit). Nonetheless, some of the articles I wrote at the time are interesting.

Mind Over Missing

October 2011: What do you do if you’re a missing-in-action parent?

Papa was coming home! The house was abuzz with excitement, and seven-year-old me was in charge of doing a last cleanup. When he arrived, I proudly showed off my contribution around the house, even following him into their bathroom. Here, Papa noticed a new bar of soap. “Tara*, why have you put out new soap?” he asked. “Because,” I replied, “Mummy’s told me that I must open new soap every time a guest comes home…”

I didn’t realise then how much I had hurt my rarely home Naval Officer father, but have never forgotten his shocked, crestfallen face. As a parent who travels a lot on work, I’m sure there are times you too are acutely aware of the void you’re leaving in your kids’ lives and of all you’re missing, aren’t there?

We’re come up with a few tips on how best to be a parent-in-absentia… Tell us your stories and ideas… we’d love to hear ’em!

Keep in Touch

Have you seen the latest iPhone ad? It has lovely footage of a father watching his baby, live, from far away. Fortunately, we live in the tech era, not the trunk call one, so use it to bridge the gap. With mobiles, Skype, BBM, WhatsApp, SMS, email, Facebook, (the list is endless), there’s no excuse not to tell bedtime stories, get ‘how was your day at school?’ updates, and basically be as accessible as possible…

Stay Up-to-date

Use technology not only to be in touch with your kids, but also to stay tuned in to what’s going on around them. Stay involved in their worlds by staying connected to their teachers, friends, friends’ parents, and your spouse, of course!

Set a Ritual

High-flying marketing guru, Navroze Dhondy has taken his kids to school every day for the past 17+ years—every day that he’s home, that is. “My travelling has only increased in the last few years. But this ritual, that I’ve had since my daughter was four (she’s now 21, my son’s in the 11th) has helped me stay connected to the kids. It’s our bonding time, where a lot of questions are asked, connections are made. Waking up early has certainly been worth it!”

Keep it Real

“Leaving everything to the maids and the drivers creates an unhealthy world for the kids,” says Navroze. So even if you’re away a lot, when you can, make a special effort to do the small, seemingly insignificant things—combing their hair, making their tiffin—not only contribute to the ‘bigger’ occasions.

Being There for the ‘Big’ Times

Don’t you remember running in to your dad’s arms when you lost the tennis championship by a whisker when you were in the sixth? Or that sepia-toned Diwali when the whole family was together, just before your brother went off to hostel?

No matter how much you travel or how important your job is, your role or absence on some days will be forever etched in your kids’ memories. Is there a PTA meeting, sports’ day, birthday, festival coming up? Try realigning your schedule to be around for important days.

Don’t Overcompensate

Our Delicious Daddy Hrithik Roshan, who, as we all know, jet sets across the world, is particularly worried about overcompensating for his absences. You should be careful too: you see why being too indulgent when you’re back will upset the order and routine in your kids’ lives, and is patently unfair to the always-there parent, right?

Is one of you a parent-in-absentia? How do you stay connected to your kids?

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This article appeared on Yowoto—a now-defunct parenting website startup that I helped incubate as Editor-in-chief—in October 2011.

While I’m now a firm childless antinatalist, my politics weren’t fully formed when I took this short-lived assignment to explore the digital side of publishing (though it was never a good fit). Nonetheless, some of the articles I wrote at the time are interesting.

Are You a 'Stay-at-home mum' or a 'Housewife'?

October 2011: Most modern mothers in Britain hate being called 'housewives', preferring to be described as 'stay-at-home mums'. Some thoughts.

In a recent survey of 2,000 British mums who gave up work to look after the kids, two-thirds believe the term 'housewife' has 'negative connotations' and 'trivialises' their roles; in fact, a third of those who dislike it even said it is 'insulting'.

A year ago, after days of surveys and interactions with groups of target consumers of a women's magazine in India, my former boss, a foreigner, made an observation. “This generation of Indian women really looks down on housewives, eh?” In light of the Brit survey, I thought I'd ask: do we really feel disdain for those who give up careers for family? Or do we, like modern English women, simply react to the term 'housewife' because of what it implies.

The Way You Look At It

I suspect it's the latter. Over time, we've come to see the word 'housewife' with modern- and feminist-tinted glasses: a person defined by her role in the home and her marital status is plain old-fashioned repression! Despite the sexy Desperate Housewives, it evokes images of one who takes care of the home: husband, chores, babies, et al. We imagine no one would choose slaving over the husband and home: using Ala bleach to ensure hubby dearest's shirts are white and office-ready, being the quiet woman behind the successful (or not!) man, cooking, cleaning, and killing the little free time with mindless soaps and kitty parties. We see an unequal woman, and we've all heard terms like 'home/house manager' that attempt to elevate the importance of the role.

Now, no one would argue that being a hands-on mum is an important role, perhaps one of the most important roles we could play. Remove 'husband's assistant' and 'sole chore-doer' from a housewife's role, and we have nothing but respect and admiration for those who prioritise the kids and give up careers to become 'stay-at-home mums'. It places the home, chores and each other as shared responsibilities between husband and wife, as they should be.

Name Calling

In this wave of political correctness, the 'air hostess' is now a 'flight attendant' and the 'secretary' is now the 'administrative assistant'. Take the survey below, and tell us whether you, the modern Indian mother, think 'housewife' deserves a similar fate...

Would you rather be a 'stay-at-home mum' than a 'housewife'?
I work, so I don’t count
No, being a mother is part of my role as a wife
Yes, being a mother is my primary role, we both share other responsibilities
Yes, ‘housewife’ has negative connotations
It doesn’t matter, it’s just a word

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This article appeared on Yowoto—a now-defunct parenting website startup that I helped incubate as Editor-in-chief—in October 2011.

While I’m now a firm childless antinatalist, my politics weren’t fully formed when I took this short-lived assignment to explore the digital side of publishing (though it was never a good fit). Nonetheless, some of the articles I wrote at the time are interesting.

The Intimacy Initiative

The Intimacy Initiative 1/4: Talking

October 2011: Restart the fire in your marriage by following this four-point self-help plan. Step 1 is finding what's left you in lovemaking limbo—and why.

There are three parts in a marriage: you, your husband and your relationship. (No, your kids are not part of your marriage—not in the bedroom.) If the stork flew in with the babies and out with the intimacy, the problem may lie with any or all of these parts. The good news: the solution, too, lies with the two of you! Find out how six real couples crossed the marriage minefields.

Talk: one small step, one giant leap

Hit a dry spell in your marriage? Chances are, you're bang in the middle of a vicious cycle. "At the start, it was just exhaustion and pain," says Jyoti*, 29, "but soon, we were fighting so much that there was no question of resuming sex." Soon, Manav*, 34, and her were sleeping in different bedrooms. "The issues just kept piling up."

Feeling like Jyoti and Manav? Wondering how to break the cycle? Starting talking. Now.

Today: Make a date to chat

"We knew we had to end the cold war, but taking this step was the hardest part," says Manav.

So, what should you chat about?

* Yourselves: You and your sexuality are not separate beings. While you talk, you will realise that issues seemingly unrelated to your relationship are impacting it. These could be situational stuff, like exhaustion, being chained to work via a Blackberry, having a hectic social schedule or a lack of space. Or they can be emotional, like feeling unattractive after the baby weight, being depressed or feeling like you're stuck in a rut. Jyoti ended up telling Manav, "As noble as my role as a mother is, I barely feel human, let alone sexy." What's up with you?           

* Your marriage: All aspects of your relationship will impact each other. Anger, distrust and other unpleasant matters will reduce your desire for intimacy... then add the lack of intimacy to the list of issues, and you're on a downward spiral. Intimacy is both an indication and prerequisite of a happy marriage. Says Rahul*, 32, "I discovered that an off-key joke I had made about another friend's stubborn baby weight had been playing on Natasha's* mind. I love her as she is, and couldn't figure out why she was angry for months... until our talk."

Keyword: Honesty

* Make a chat date at a private, comfy place. Stay away from the crowds and time-restrictions at a restaurant or the familiarity of your bedroom. And no phones, please.

* Talk honestly and freely, and be prepared to accept feedback with an unbiased and open mind. This won't be easy, but you've got to listen! The road back in to each other's arms will be dotted with awkward conversations, painful self-reckoning, and more than a few failed attempts.

* Note the points you two raise. You may discover that the problem is as simple as a lack of time or a minor relationship tear like forgetting an anniversary—focus on the bigger picture, and they're easily solved. Or, these points may be a surprisingly brutal critique of each other and your marriage—but don't worry, finding the problem is the first step to finding the solution.

* Tough, na? Don't worry, step 1 is the hardest, I promise. Just one last tough thing, okay? Cuddle. No matter how many landmines you've stepped on, how angry you are or how bad things seem right now. After all, you are doing this programme together, so a happier marriage is what you both want...

How hard is it to chat with your spouse? Tell us how you made the first move and what are the issues you uncovered? Write in if you need help starting out...

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The Intimacy Initiative 2/4: Fixing

October 2011: In step 2 of this four-point self-help plan to bring back the intimacy to your marriage, learn that if you fix the rest, the sex will follow.

As I said last time, intimacy is both an indication and prerequisite of a happy marriage. First, it's an indication. If you're okay, he's okay, the marriage is okay—chances are, you're intimate and having sex. But if there are other issues, they will show up in your bedroom—and if one or both of you are unhappy with sex, it will impact the rest of your relationship... but, we'll get to that later.

Your exercise for today is about working towards changing five of your most major issues, not including the bedroom. It's a step-by-step guide to managing your life, really, and I've given a few common problems and examples of their common-sense solutions. Your relationship is unique: you may be dealing with some or all of these issues in varying degrees, and others that are unique to you. Others' solutions are just guidelines for you to adapt to suit your life and lifestyle... Remember, your answers lie with you.

Today: Plan to achieve your goals

The idea is to break five of your most major issues into bite-sized actions and their solutions. Remember, you are the problem-solver. Here's how.

Keyword: Right goals

* What is my problem? The five you choose should include yours and his individual situational and emotional issues, and issues in your marriage not related to sex. Of course, you're looking to deal with chronic issues and their symptoms, not a one-off incident where your social-drinker husband had a peg too many. Remember—if the bigger picture is a happier marriage, decide to make up, forgive and let go of the small things. "We didn't have the time or energy for anything at all, let alone each other," says Sonal*, 32. Sounds familiar? This is perhaps the most common reason for the post-baby dry spell... sex just isn't on the schedule.

* Why? Break it down and analyse. Sonal and Anshuman*, 40, found that they could break down the 'why' into some distinct parts: a) Her mornings were busy with taking care of Antara*, and cooking for the family; b) Her commute to and from a nine-hour day at the office added another three hours; and c) Their evenings were consumed with Antara and putting her to bed. A later riser than Sonal, d) Anshuman's two-hour commute and 12-hour work-day allowed him a little time with Antara, and none with Sonal or for the gymming he loved. Saturdays were for chores and friends, Sundays were with the grandparents. "When we broke it down like this, the answers seemed so obvious!"

* What's my goal? Flight attendant Natasha, 37, discovered her problem was with the way she looked. "We'd waited quite long to have our first child," she says. "The weight refused to go, so did the acne. I didn't feel sexy, and Rahul's joke about a friend's baby weight just played on my mind." Now, finding your goal is the trickiest. As with all other goals you've managed in your life, this needs to be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely—SMART goals—with a gentle ‘acceptance of things you cannot change’.

Natasha gave herself six months to be acne-free and lose 10 kilos, at a modest 1.5 kilos a month; Sonal and Anshuman got a reality check. "Our choices didn't reflect how important our relationship is to us. We realised that we were choosing to put kids and career above a healthy relationship," he says. They reassessed their schedules and decided to work towards an hour of "quality time" with each other and two with Antara every day, and double on weekends, without compromising their jobs. Anshuman also wanted to squeeze in three hours a week at the gym. All thought these goals were SMART ones; ones that they could attain with minor changes to their lifestyles. 

* How do I get there? By this step, your course of action should be pretty obvious. Map your plan of action to a time schedule, with quantifiable milestones to ensure you're on track. Easier if you maintain a daily planner.

"Some things were easy—I chucked my maternity undies and clothes, and bought some clothes in my new size," says Natasha. "So was the acne: I met a good dermat and followed up." Other things required persistence, like the four hours of walking a week. "Having a goal is inspiring and empowering," she says. "I changed my schedule slightly so I, not the maid, took Shail* to the park. I walked as he played." Says Rahul, "I could see her feel more in control from the get-go. Once I understood what she was working towards and how, I was as supportive as I could be."

Sonal and Anshuman had to make a bigger lifestyle change to reach their goals. "First, I realised that making tiffins and getting Antara ready for school was not 'quality time'," says Sonal. "I relinquished that to a maid, and we joined her for breakfast instead." "We also realised that long commutes were common to both our days. Neither wanted to change jobs, so we decided to move to a smaller house in a more expensive suburb midway for both," says Anshuman. "It is about prioritising, really."

On alternate nights, Anshuman, the night bird, takes up bedtime story duty, giving Sonal time to recharge for some couple time after the baby is asleep. On others, he goes to the gym, while Sonal puts Antara to bed. Every couple of weekends, Antara goes to her grandparents' homes without her parents. "Once we told our parents we were overextended, they were only too happy to babysit Antara to give us private time."

"It all seems so simple now," says Sonal. "The key is the right goals, and willpower!"

Does having this plan of action make you feel powerful? How do you see yourself achieving your goals? If you're having trouble following this step, write in for personal or community advice.

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The Intimacy Initiative 3/4: Refreshing

October 2011: So, there's a problem with the sex? Step 3 of this simple four-point plan to revive the intimacy in your marriage, we tell you how to take sex from being part of the problem to being part of the solution.

I hope you've put the plan you made in step 2 into play, and are working on the situational, emotional and interpersonal issues that have impacted your intimacy. I bet your recent heart-to-heart and active problem-solving action-plan have given you and your relationship a booster shot, not only because you're working towards these life- and relationship-altering goals, but because you're feeling empowered while achieving them.

But what if the reason/one of the reasons you're not having sex—and that's showing in your relationship—is because the sex itself is, well, bad? How do you take sex from being a cause of unhappiness to its fullest potential as cement for your love and a source of joy. Read on...

Today: Clear the sex issues

So, what's wrong with the sex and how can you solve it? I discuss the most common issues, and their solutions. Modify these for your life, or find solutions to your problems though the 'what's the problem-why-what's my goal-how do I get there' system you learnt in step 2.

Keyword: It's simple

* "I'm bored," admitted Sandra*, 35, to Roy*, 37, her husband of 12 years. He was hurt... but relieved she'd said it first! Can passion survive the routine of a long-term relationship? Or must the spark fade over time? Biologically, it does, say sexual health experts, as contentment overshadows the thrill of new love. But, while it is natural to move on from the can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other first days, a complete disinterest in sex not healthy or natural.

What's their simple solution? "We returned to the basics," says Roy. "We discovered that it was actually the basic romantic stuff that was missing—kissing, cuddling, being nude." Adds Sandra candidly, "We stopped taking each other for granted. We began dressing better, paying more attention to everyday intimacy and spending more time on foreplay. We added in some sex toys, porn and other new stuff." What's there to be shy—it's your bedroom! Sandra and Roy discovered that the more the effort they put in to the intimacy, the better the foreplay and sex... and the more the desire for it.

"If you're still in love, restarting good sex is easy!" promises Sandra. "And it just gets better once you start."

* "I've never wanted sex as much as he does," says Etee*, 33, "though it's not like I don't enjoy it." It's no wonder: studies have found that testosterone, one of the hormones responsible for sexual desire, is 20-40% higher in men than women. Add our social conditioning—good girls shouldn't like sex, and certainly shouldn't be 'good' at it—and the natural dimming of lust, and your husband ends up getting the "I'm too busy" turndown one time too many. "When we fought, Sohail* would end up calling me frigid, I'd call him a maniac."

What's their simple solution? "We realigned our expectations, and try avoiding the blame-game," says Sohail, 36. "Thrice a week is reasonable for both of us, and, even at the risk of making sex 'routine', we make it a point to include it in our schedules." Beams Etee, "I'm also actively shedding my inhibitions, and we're both enjoying the sex a lot more."

* "My sex drive's even worse after the baby arrived," said new-mom Jyoti. Not surprising. In addition to the lower testosterone, your hormone levels drop to near-menopausal levels after childbirth, further dampening libido. Your body also needs time to recover childbirth.

You can start having sex once you've healed—four weeks or when your doctor says so—but if you're still not feeling the mojo six months after you've stopped breast-feeding, get your hormone levels checked. (Also, watch out for other medication: birth control pills and meds for high BP, etc can interfere with libido and performance.)

Physical changes aside, a baby can be hard on your emotions too. "Though I didn't battle postpartum depression, I did feel completely non-sexy and asexual," Jyoti adds. "Manav had to deal with other adjustments—a whole new level of responsibility and no longer being the centre of my world."

What's their simple solution? Jyoti started working on her self-esteem and body-image issues in step 2, resuming work and social life, and exercising to get the endorphins going. To bring the spark back in to their bedroom, the couple went on a holiday, sans-baby. "At first it seemed unthinkable," confirms Jyoti, "but my mother convinced me to leave the baby with her and reconnect on a holiday. Tucked away in our hillside resort, we finally broke the spell!"

Tell me how you beat the baby bedroom blues... your real-life tips can help others. Can't find a solution yourself? Write in for one-on-one or community advice.

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The Intimacy Initiative 4/4: Working

October 2011: In the last step of our simple four-point plan to intimacy, we tell you the mantras to keeping the magic in your marriage...

When you were first married, the sex was easy and the lust—fuelled by the excitement of adrenaline, pleasure-enhancement of dopamine and addiction of serotonin—did most of the work. A healthy, happy marriage is always a work in progress. As contentment sets in, you have to make a special effort to retain intimacy and sex.

Today: Make an ongoing effort

"When people say their marriage is important to them, their choices should reflect that," says Neeta*, 42, who's been in a happy marriage for over 20 years. "If you remember that, it's easy to prioritise yourselves and your relationship over schedules, careers and kids—and they don't need to be mutually exclusive."

Keyword: Small steps every day

1 Find the time. Always schedule time for your marriage. With today's lifestyles, are you taking your relationship for granted? Even if you're not in the mood or are exhausted, give in to each other's pleasure needs... sometimes.

2 Work on the intimacy. Flirting, touching, kissing—these are all important ways to connect with your spouse. Keep the connection alive, even in front of the kids (within limits, of course). Kids who grow up seeing happy, expressive parents are less likely to develop complexes around love and sex. 

3 Stay sensual, stay sexual. Dressing up, a warm bath, aromatherapy are just a few ways to stimulate your senses. Why let parenthood impact your access to pleasure? Make an effort to entice your spouse, in and outside the bedroom.

4 Maintain a private, intimacy-friendly space. Even Feng Shui and Vaastu encourage you to keep your bedroom sacred and dedicated to yourselves. Babies are ready to leave your room at around three months, and teach them to knock in the night. Keep the toys and laptop out of your private space, and choose pinks and reds to encourage romance. Nikalank Jain, the brand architect at Yowoto, recommends "putting up happy photos of yourselves and your family. They help you keep perspective, even during the lows, and are visual reminders of what's important, what's achievable."  

5 Chat to stay connected. There is no simpler way to ensure you're in sync than to talk, often and freely, about the mundane and the important. For biological and social reasons, this is harder for the men, who use far fewer words than women do—but it's important. "Talk every day and you'll never grow apart," says Neeta, who's been there, done that. "You can anticipate and solve problems if you know what's happening in each other's lives."

6 Never go to bed angry. Most women need to feel close to their husbands emotionally to desire sex. Men, on the other hand, generally need to feel close physically to invest more in to relationships. You'll have seen this language barrier during fights—many women will turn down sex until the argument is over and the two are connected again; men will often initiate 'make-up sex'. "Catch-22: you need to feel the love to have sex, he needs sex to feel loving," says Neeta.

Nip issues in the bud by not going to bed angry. Give some to get some, and don't be afraid or too proud to make—or accept—the first move.

I hope this programme has shown you just how easy it is to create a happy, intimate marriage. Share how it has helped you. You can also write in for one-on-one advice... I'll be happy to help you.

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This series appeared on Yowoto—a now-defunct parenting website startup that I helped incubate as Editor-in-chief—in October 2011.

While I’m now a firm childless antinatalist, my politics weren’t fully formed when I took this short-lived assignment to explore the digital side of publishing (though it was never a good fit). Nonetheless, some of the articles I wrote at the time are interesting.

Should You be a Stay-at-home Mum?

September 2011: The decision and dilemma of choosing to stay home for the kids...

Shilpi Sengupta Jain's post about the "hardest choice [she] ever made", choosing work-over-baby or baby-over-work, got me thinking. Until a few decades ago, there was absolutely no angst attached to staying at home and nurturing the family. Far from it in fact, that's what we were expected to do—and, as women, we've fought hard to hold our own outside our homes. We've come a long way, baby... don't you think?!

But, there's a flip side. Having checked ourselves in to this rat race, it is hard to check out. With expectations from your career, the independence and achievement, and, of course, the moolah... staying at home can be hard! Plus, there's the point you set out to prove: that emancipated women can be as true to their careers as men are perceived to be. To prove my rude uncle wrong: “I'll never hire a woman because they never stay. Shaadi-bacche ke baad career khatam.” So yeah, that point: that you wouldn't be another one that bites the traditional dust. In this process, have we painted ourselves in to another corner—of being trapped outside the house?

Choosing to Stay at Home

So, can you do it? There are things to consider about your situation and personality...

Can you afford it? Expenses are bound to increase.

For how long? You'll need the maternity leave (between three and six months) to nurse and recoup, and it will barely be a blip in your work-life. For how long do you think your babies need you 24x7? Shilpi believes that the reason Raashi, 5, is an insecure child—she "freaks out" even when Shilpi goes for a run—is because she resumed work when Raashi was only two months old. "Somewhere I still keep blaming myself for all her insecurities around me."

While there is no ideal, the best time to resume work—from your children's point of view—is when they've started school and settled in. If you have a strong support system (and a good maid!), this can be sooner still—Roopshikha Mane credits their supportive joint family for her career in architecture. Simple rule: the happier and busier they are in the daytime while you're away, the less they will need you every minute.

Are you ready for it? Whether or not your staying at home for three-plus years is good for your child, do it only if it's good for you. Being a 'home maker'/'house manager' is the least appreciated job in the world, and if your work is a huge part of your sense of self and staying at home will just get you depressed... don't do it!

Like most women, Shilpi resumed work because she was "already tired of being at home." For all the joy that spending every waking minute with your child is, it is just that... every waking minute with your child! Are you prepared for the boredom, claustrophobia, tantrum-y days? It's better for your kids to have a happy you for two hours a day than a resentful or depressed you for all 24...

But, going back to work soon doesn't provide the answers either. Every working mother I spoke to described overwhelming guilt, along with an estrangement from her husband. Once Shilpi resumed work, she found herself crying as she drove: "I had a huge bag of guilt and compromise, tagging along with me." Says my own mum, who worked from within a month after I was born: "Work, baby, stress, guilt took everything out of me. There was no time left for my marriage. Thank god your dad understood."

Real-world word of advice: lower your expectations. Accept that you'll never be 100% happy as either, a working mother of a young child, or as a stay-at-home mum missing her career. That's tough to accept, isn't it?

Just Do It!

Shilpi stays home, and I'm sure she is slowly but surely working away Raashi's insecurities with her gentle understanding. She hopes to resume work when Raashi is happier about it. "I loved to work and I always needed some mental challenge to make myself happy... after Raashi I realised that I need more than that. I needed her and Rajeev to make myself complete."

As for you... you must weigh the money you'll miss against the wealth of memories you'll create; and other factors in your life. If you do decide that being a hands-on mum is the most important role you'll hold, plan how exactly you're going to reorganise your life around the family and a few personal goals, and how to keep yourself challenged.

And the expectations? If you want to stay at home, temporarily or long-term, do it. Without guilt. Because ultimately, being liberated means having the freedom to make your own decisions, irrespective of traditional or liberal stereotypes. Doesn't it?

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This article appeared on Yowoto—a now-defunct parenting website startup that I helped incubate as Editor-in-chief—in September 2011.

While I’m now a firm childless antinatalist, my politics weren’t fully formed when I took this short-lived assignment to explore the digital side of publishing (though it was never a good fit). Nonetheless, some of the articles I wrote at the time are interesting.

The Name Game

July 2011: Looking for baby names? Find out eight things every modern parent must know.

Photograph courtesy Sahil Mane.

“When did naming babies become so damn hard?!”
A few generations ago, no one really gave a second thought to baby names. It was thumbs down to individuality, thumbs up to cultural naming formulas. So the first-born of Keralite Christians and Palghat Iyers carried the dad's parent's name; the second kid got the mom's parent's. There's the Maharshtrian rule: generic first name + father's name + ancestors' village+kar... and so on, right?

Cut to 2011. One of our mothers tells me that she and her husband have been agonising about what to name their to-be-born since she conceived. “That's it, I'm calling him Bozo from Love Story," she laughs, then adds seriously: "We're so fed up that sometimes I wonder if the quest for the perfect name is a waste of time. What's in a name anyway? ”

A Lot's in a Name

In his study on names published in the Journal of Human Resources, Professor David Figlio asserts that people should be more aware of the power of names. Agrees psychiatrist Dr Dhawale, “Most people form a mental image when they hear a name, and create an opinion from the get-go. If children are treated differently because of their names, they are bound to behave differently.”

Oh-ho, that's a lot of pressure! Don't worry, help's here. I've come up with some modern-day guidelines for parents-to-be to get their babies' names just right. Why don't you write in with your name suggestions to help Baby Bozo's mother, and others, out!

1 Avoid the usual: (Particularly if you have a common surname.) Today, getting first name-last name email IDs and a website, and being easy to find on Google is a huge advantage. Though the Pooja Mishra I know is a much-talked-about banker, her achievements are buried under thousands of 'hot' links to a VJ. Unusual spellings of common names have pitfalls too: “People just assume the spelling of a common name,” rues Archhana from Pune. “Though I always specify, I have heaps of misspelt documents and most get my email ID wrong.”

But, choosing too off-beat a name—Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter's called Apple—is also a no-no. In his book, Baby Name Report Card, psychology professor Albert Mehrabian says, “Parents who make up bizarre names for their children are ignorant, arrogant or just foolish.”

2 Explore unisex names: Though we've heard unisex names—Gurdeep, Rahat, Misbah, Prem—not many see the point. Karan, whose parents are the unfortunate combination of a male Anju and female Chirag, says emphatically, “I will never give my kids unisex names. They just cause complications and confusion.”

But, there are advantages. Mehrabian's study on instinctive reactions to unisex names found that men with unisex names are perceived as caring and giving. Unisex names on women were associated with power and success. More important are Figlio's findings: “Girls whose names are judged more feminine are often typecast.” According to his study, they are less likely to pursue advanced maths or physics, traditionally seen as predominantly male, because people would not expect them to. So if you're hoping to open a world of opportunities for your little girl, stay away from too feminine-sounding a name.

3 Check associations: Adolf... there, you thought it yourself, didn't you? Choosing a name with instant negative (or positive) connotations is not a good idea. Will a Shah Rukh ever emerge from his namesake's shadow?

4 Check meaning: No matter how lyrical a name, don't subject your child to it if the meaning is not inspiring, or at least neutral. I've had conversations with a Suvidha and a Manoranjan, and they tell me it hasn't been pleasant. “I'm used to it now, but come on, 'entertainment'?!”

5 Translate: Our kids will interact with far more people and languages than ever before. A Google search to figure out what a name means in popular languages and cultures is absolutely essential. “My parents had no clue,” Sushi George tells me, “and I was blissfully unaware too... until Jap food invaded India.” Don't get too cautious, just avoid the major bloopers, like Hardik!

6 Try the name-initials combo: We've heard the PK Tuli/Dubey jokes, and Bose DK even made it into a song... In real life, an unflattering name-initials combo can provide fodder for a lot of bullying. Think hard before naming your young one Bhavesh Ravi Arora, okay?

7 Simplify: It's no wonder that you know Abdul Rashid Salim Salman Khan merely as Salman Khan. Three words in a name is just about as many as will stick... any more will just complicate official paperwork. So will long names with unusual spellings.

8 Nip nicknames: How many people do you only know by their nicknames? An accepted shortening is fine, like Rajeev to Raju; it's the childish Tuntuns and Papoos that children struggle to shake. As loving as nicknames are, their overuse can throw your children's private/public identity and fuel complexes.

Author Khushwant Singh was once a Khushal: “I hated it because of its abbreviation Shalee... At school, boys tortured me by chanting a doggerel: Shalee Shoolie, Bagh dee Moolee (This shalee or shoolee is the radish of some garden). I got rid of Khushal and changed it to Khushwant to rhyme with my elder brother's name Bhagwant.”

What are the options you're considering for your babies' names? Have these tips helped you find what you're looking for? Send in your shortlists and suggestions... and save Baby Bozo from getting that name!

* No names were changed to protect identities!

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This article appeared on Yowoto—a now-defunct parenting website startup that I helped incubate as Editor-in-chief—in July 2011.

While I’m now a firm childless antinatalist, my politics weren’t fully formed when I took this short-lived assignment to explore the digital side of publishing (though it was never a good fit). Nonetheless, some of the articles I wrote at the time are interesting.